»How to be contrary in conversation
After a sociable cup of coffee (alas, not Chocomel!) outside in the sun-shine, I have a few suggestions on how to improve one's contrariness in conversation.
Use a twenty-four hour clock ("military time"):
Rather than saying "Why do'n't we meet for coffee at seven o'clock," say, "I will see you at oh-seven-hundred". In email, write 0700 or 07h00; do not write 7.00, which implies a decimal system.
Find words that startle the listener.
Use alternative pronounciations with vigor: bär-b?ch'?r-?t, h?-l?-s?' n?-j?n. Find words with varying pronounciations (does banal rhyme with canal or anal?) and work them into conversation.
Find unusual euphemisms and metaphors.
Toss in "we got along like a house on fire" or "This band is really the snail's eye-teeth" for descriptions.
Prefer localisation that is not your own. Provide a shifting sense of place.
- Use non-local affirmatives: "Ayuh" works fine if you are in urban California, while "Dude" should be good in rural Vermont.
Do not let the dialogue inch along.
Provide directions in metric measure: "Ayuh, the coffeeshop is five hundred metres past the park. See you there at nineteen hundred."
Do not, however, attempt Babylonian measurement unless you enjoy watching eavesdroppers' heads asplode.
This is about being contrary, not infuriating.
